This article spoke to me so much today: 4 Things That Might Happen When You Come Out of Depression
Speaking as someone on the up end of a spiral, this is bang on for me. I highly recommend reading it, as this is a little discussed area. It can throw you as off kilter as being in the grip of depression.
One thing I’d like to add, though: You may also find yourself surprised or appalled by thoughts you had or something you did while in the Rabbit Hole…this recent spiral marks the first (and hopefully only) time I’ve ever let my meds run out.
I know, not very bright. And while I know the feelings that led to it, “more okay” me can’t quite wrap my head around how I could do something that for 4 years of treatment I’ve been careful to not do.
I know the dangers of going off psychiatric meds suddenly. I know them intimately through raising two kids with mental health disorders. I know for myself what a bad place I was in before medication.
I know that my anxiety was still in the uncontrolled area–we were still tweaking meds and dosages. And that they were starting to help. Finally.
I know that by the time of my next appointment (3 days!), I’ll have been off my meds almost a month and will have to start over as far as waiting for the benefits of them.
My meds actually haven’t had any unpleasant side effects, which I know can be a common reason for wanting to stop them. And the kicker is, I DIDN’T want to stop them. I wanted them. I missed them.
But caught in the depths of the Rabbit Hole, I couldn’t bring myself to keep or schedule my appointments…couldn’t bring myself to make those calls or leave the house.
Couldn’t bring myself to care.
Even as I got worse…I couldn’t care.
And that’s the hardest part to get…that sick me, who I’ve tried so hard to keep at bay, just didn’t…care.
But I’m learning that sick me isn’t a lot like “more okay” me. I’m not sure I like sick me much; she’s a real mess. And the things that deeply matter to me are ones sick me blows off because she can’t muster the energy to do, or care about.
And hopefully, I’m learning things to keep sick me from making decisions for me.
My perfect patient record has taken a dent…but thankfully it didn’t break me.
In the end, that’s what matters most, I think.
Be well, friends.