One Day Without Pain

One day
Only one???

We with daily pain always say we’d like just one pain free day…
Thinking about that realistically, do you really think that would be enough for you?

It would not for me.
I’d rather have no reprieve than one given then taken away.
Speaking from experience with having a treatment that made a small but significant-to-me difference, then losing health coverage and having to give it up after 2 years, I am pretty certain that while just a single pain free day might be enjoyable in the moment, it probably would have the effect of leaving me more depressed when it was over.

I also have my doubts about the ability to enjoy it, as someone who’s been in daily pain for six years – I’d be so busy trying to cram as much of what I can’t do now into it as I could that the sheer joy of such a day would be lost.

There would be no way to fit all the things my soul craves into a single day:
Time with family in varying locations. Extra time with grandkids. Catching up with friends. Seeing a current movie (I haven’t been able to see one in theater for 3 years). Cleaning my house (I’ve been itching to do this to my satisfaction for years). Going dancing. Going swimming. Walking in the park. Having a picnic. Riding a bike. Cooking something elaborate AND enjoying eating it. A slumber party with my daughters. Drinking a margarita with no medication interaction. Wearing something cute without having it hurt my skin. Sitting in the sunshine without sunglasses. Cuddling with someone I love. Driving for a few hours, singing to the radio cranked up to the max. Reading a real book without the white pages throwing a migraine-inducing glare. Playing with my kittens until they were tired instead until I’m too tired. Taking a long walk.

Having a conversation that doesn’t include the words “migraine,” “nausea,” “allodynia,” “pain,” “limits,” “triggers,” “chronic,” “aura,” or “can’t.”

No, one day is not enough; would never be enough. I’d always be left wanting more…

Reality.
Coming back to this pain-riddled body after my one day.

Reality.
Missing the things and people I love all over again.

Reality.
It’s my curse, and my life.
Limits, pain, dimly lit rooms, fighting for a moment of fun that I won’t suffer for.

One day?
No. I want MORE. I want LIFE.

Anything less is not enough.

Be well, or as well as you can.

– Selena

The Weight of the Things We Carry

Heavy
Some things are too heavy to carry.

Letting go of the heavy things…

Sometimes, this means forgiving someone who has wronged, hurt, or abused you; NOT because it absolves them or makes what they did okay, not because they asked for forgiveness or another chance, apologized, expressed remorse, not because you’ve been told it’s your Christian, familial, or wifely duty – but because bitterness and/or anger is hurting YOU, holding YOU back, and is still giving them power over your choices, healing, and life.

Sometimes, it means forgiving yourself.

It DOES NOT mean you’re okay with them or will forget what they’ve done to you, it does not mean you didn’t experience trauma from their actions, it does not mean you won’t still have aftereffects from the trauma or that it hasn’t had influence on you or your life choices, it does not mean you won’t still hold them accountable (personally or legally), it does not mean you want to keep them in your life (if they’re still alive), it does not make you weak.

It does not mean it doesn’t matter or that you don’t matter.

What it does mean is that you are taking charge of your life, owning your your choices, your mental and/or physical well-being, and taking accountability for things you’ve done or chosen instead of living in a victim mentality and shifting responsibility for anything you knew or now realize was wrong.
What it does mean is freeing yourself from something/someone weighing you down.

I am speaking from experience as someone who has been victimized and I do know how much easier this is said than done. But it is one of the best things you can do for you.

Sometimes, you’ll find forgiveness comes easy, but mostly, you’ll find it isn’t some one shot thing. It’s a process that you go through as you discover the depth to which something has affected you. Sometimes it happens naturally as part of healing, and others you have to work at it.

The single most important advice I can give you is to always forgive you.

You aren’t to blame for the things done to you.

You didn’t ask for it, whether it was abuse you lived with, a violent act, or the result of a mistake you made.

Be good to you and give yourself the leeway and understanding you’d give another.

Give yourself the time to heal, no matter how long it takes.

Be well, or as well as you can. – Selena .
.

The Exhaustion of Mental Illness

All that
Actually, I’m napping. But you get the point.

So, ever wondered how mental illness can make someone so tired and exhausted?

Wonder no more! Here are some excerpts of a day in the life of someone living with more than one mental illness/mental health struggle, and as a bonus, they’re some pretty conflicting illnesses to boot.

A Day In The Life:

Depression: “Don’t get up. There’s nothing good out there, and if there is, it’s not for you.”

“Don’t worry about answering that text. They won’t notice, anyway. They’re just being nice; don’t tell them your problems – they don’t want to really hear it.”

Anxiety: “But if I don’t get up, people will think I’m lazy. Am I being too lazy? If I don’t answer, will they be annoyed? What if they think I’M ignoring them? I’ll just tell them I can’t talk now. Omg, that might have been rude. I’d better apologize. Wait, what if they didn’t think it was rude and that it’s weird I apologized? Why did I say that? They think I’m weird now. No, that’s ridiculous – they don’t think that. You know they don’t. Oh MY GOD why did I say that? I’m such a hopeless idiot. Everyone knows it. Why did I get out of bed???”

Depression: “Go back to bed. Who cares what they think? Life sucks. Go to sleep – at least you can’t screw up everything while you’re sleeping.”

Panic Attack: “HOLY SHIT DANGER DANGER GET UP GET UP MOVE PACE MOVE DON’T STOP TOO DANGEROUS YOU’LL DIE IF YOU STOP DANGER MOVE MOVE MOVE NOT THAT WAY HYPERVENTILATE CAN’T BREATHE NO NOT THE BED DON’T CALL THAT PERSON RUN RUN MOVE DON’T THINK DON’T STOP HAVE TO MOVE WHY CAN’T YOU THINK NEVER MIND DON’T THINK PANIC PANIC PANIC — shit, I’m done and you can rest now. But be ready in case.”

*body feels like lead*
*chest hurts*
*bone-tired*
*tries to rest*
*screaming migraine goes into overload from the stress reaction*
*can’t rest*

Depression: “Really? You can’t even get something like sleep right? How pathetic ARE you?”

Anxiety: “That’s a good question. How pathetic AM I? No, that’s NOT a good question. What the hell is wrong with me? Really F*ing pathetic. I’m really F*ing pathetic…and oh my GOD I really called that person during a panic attack! I can never speak to them again, but I have to speak to them again…should I apologize?”

*and over…and over…and over…round and round it goes…where it stops god only knows.*

It’s extremely exhaustive and a constant push/pull that can make you worry about your state of mind…a lot.

But it doesn’t make you weak – if you can make it through a day like this, you’re pretty damn tough, actually. Tired, but tough.

It also doesn’t mean you’re “crazy.”
It just means you have an illness(es) that need taken care of like any other illness.

(Preferably taking care of you gets you a nap at some point, too. 😉 )

Be well, or as well as you can.

– Selena